This review of the Oscars may be slightly incomplete being that it was hard to stay awake through the whole thing. Â Let’s get to it. Â I’ll do it in bullet point form so it’s easier on your eyes.
Sacsha Baron Cohen –Â The greatest moment of the Oscars didn’t even happen at the Oscars. Â The fact that he dumped the “ashes” on Ryan Seacrest made it all the better. Â Sacsha is a comedic genius with balls the size of Texas. Â I can’t wait to see the movie “The Dictator”. Â The line of the night was “If someone asks you who you are wearing tell them Kim Jong Il”. Â Great to see something funny happen at the stuffiest most uptight Hollywood event there is.
Billy Crystal – Seemed like a good idea but his opening monologue fell flat. Â When the show started he was pretty good at throwing in a one liner while introducing someone but in general it looks like the magic is gone from Billy hosting the Oscars. Â Not sure who’s going to want the gig now though. It seems like a comedy suicide mission. Â Maybe Sacsha Baron Cohen? Neh they won’t be letting him back for a while.
Best Picture – Best picture predictably went to “The Artist”. Â The dude from this movie also won for best actor. Â Call me crazy but acting in a silent film doesn’t sound all that difficult. Â In fact I venture to say it takes half the work out of it. Â Plus the French are annoying. Â If you have a friend that thinks this movie is good you should probably never speak to them again. Â Chances are they’re snobby and kind of pretentious and deep down inside you really don’t like them anyway.
Meryl Streep – At this point can’t we just have a Meryl Streep award and give it to her to cover any future Oscars? Â I know she’s a great actress but I started thinking and couldn’t come up with any movies I’ve actually seen that she was in. Â Is it because I’m a 29 year old dude? Â She was in that movie where she’s going down the River with Kevin Bacon. Â I liked it but that might be the only one she hasn’t an Oscar for.
Jennifer Lopez – There was no nipple and believe me I looked. Â I could spot those things a mile away.
Angelina Jolie – For a second I thought she was trying to hitch hike a ride somewhere. Â Women hated the fact that she showed her leg off. Â Take lessons ladies. Â That’s what hot chicks do and Angelina is pretty hot.
Jonah Hill – Tux looked a little tight there buddy. Â Starting to gain a little weight back are we? Â Maybe? Â Just a little?
The Help – OK I have to come clean here. Â Now I am not a racist man by any means. Â However I do have to admit that while watching the red carpet whenever a black actor or actress came on I asked my friends if they were in the movie “The Help”. Â They pointed this out to me about the 5th time it happened and they were right. Â P. Diddy was there and I asked my friends if he was in “The Help”. Â Sorry but I just couldn’t figure out why else he would be there. Â Does this make me racist? Â I still say no. Â Black people are cool with me I swear.
Michelle Williams – She looked hot as Marilyn Monroe in the movie but she looks kind of weird in person. Â She’s pale and her haircut is too short. Â She looks like Mia Farrow in Rosemary’s baby after the devil worshipers start messing with her. Â Everyone says she’s good looking but I just don’t see it.
The Oscars can be wrapped up in with a one letter review which I will put below.
And we’re done.