This review of the Oscars may be slightly incomplete being that it was hard to stay awake through the whole thing.  Let’s get to it.  I’ll do it in bullet point form so it’s easier on your eyes.

Sacsha Baron Cohen – The greatest moment of the Oscars didn’t even happen at the Oscars.  The fact that he dumped the “ashes” on Ryan Seacrest made it all the better.  Sacsha is a comedic genius with balls the size of Texas.  I can’t wait to see the movie “The Dictator”.  The line of the night was “If someone asks you who you are wearing tell them Kim Jong Il”.  Great to see something funny happen at the stuffiest most uptight Hollywood event there is.

Billy Crystal – Seemed like a good idea but his opening monologue fell flat.  When the show started he was pretty good at throwing in a one liner while introducing someone but in general it looks like the magic is gone from Billy hosting the Oscars.  Not sure who’s going to want the gig now though. It seems like a comedy suicide mission.  Maybe Sacsha Baron Cohen? Neh they won’t be letting him back for a while.

Best Picture – Best picture predictably went to “The Artist”.  The dude from this movie also won for best actor.  Call me crazy but acting in a silent film doesn’t sound all that difficult.  In fact I venture to say it takes half the work out of it.  Plus the French are annoying.  If you have a friend that thinks this movie is good you should probably never speak to them again.  Chances are they’re snobby and kind of pretentious and deep down inside you really don’t like them anyway.

Meryl Streep – At this point can’t we just have a Meryl Streep award and give it to her to cover any future Oscars?  I know she’s a great actress but I started thinking and couldn’t come up with any movies I’ve actually seen that she was in.  Is it because I’m a 29 year old dude?  She was in that movie where she’s going down the River with Kevin Bacon.  I liked it but that might be the only one she hasn’t an Oscar for.

Jennifer Lopez – There was no nipple and believe me I looked.  I could spot those things a mile away.

Angelina Jolie – For a second I thought she was trying to hitch hike a ride somewhere.  Women hated the fact that she showed her leg off.  Take lessons ladies.  That’s what hot chicks do and Angelina is pretty hot.

Jonah Hill – Tux looked a little tight there buddy.  Starting to gain a little weight back are we?  Maybe?  Just a little?

The Help – OK I have to come clean here.  Now I am not a racist man by any means.  However I do have to admit that while watching the red carpet whenever a black actor or actress came on I asked my friends if they were in the movie “The Help”.  They pointed this out to me about the 5th time it happened and they were right.  P. Diddy was there and I asked my friends if he was in “The Help”.  Sorry but I just couldn’t figure out why else he would be there.  Does this make me racist?  I still say no.  Black people are cool with me I swear.

Michelle Williams – She looked hot as Marilyn Monroe in the movie but she looks kind of weird in person.  She’s pale and her haircut is too short.  She looks like Mia Farrow in Rosemary’s baby after the devil worshipers start messing with her.  Everyone says she’s good looking but I just don’t see it.

The Oscars can be wrapped up in with a one letter review which I will put below.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

And we’re done.

Brilliant.

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