2011 is coming to a close. Just like most years this one was chock full of scandals, celebrity meltdowns, high profile court cases, evil dictators and of course a few natural disasters. Let’s take a few minutes and remember the year that was. Here’s some of the events that shaped 2011.
Charlie Sheen Meltdown – It seems like so long ago but 2011 saw the fall of Charlie Sheen. I don’t think any celebrity has ever had as big a meltdown. I don’t know what drug or drugs Charlie was one but for a good 6 weeks I couldn’t get enough of him. There were goddesses, tiger blood, beaten prostitutes in hotel rooms, and of course what is possibly the catch phrase of the year that was “Winning”. Charlie you truly were great entertainment. Just don’t get too crazy and try and go on tour with a one man show. Oh wait that’s right you were that crazy.
Anthony Weiner shows his…..you know – Every year politicians do dumb stuff. In fact every day politicians do dumb stuff. I’m even willing to say every hour politicians do dumb stuff. This scandal is an all time classic. I mean the guy’s last name is Weiner. The guy’s last name is Weiner and he was caught showing off naked pictures of himself. You really can’t make that up. That’s like if a guy’s name was Joe Adulterer and he got caught cheating on his wife.
The Rapture – Do you remember where you were when the rapture happened? Of course not because it never did. Harold Camping, a preacher, said that the end of the world was going to end in May. When that didn’t happen he said he had calculated incorrectly. So then old Harold got out his Bible calculator and said it would end in October. After that he retired. Maybe the old Christ calculator counts in base 8 or something. At least he finally retired though.
Amy Winehouse Dies – If you had July of 2011 for your Amy Winehouse death pool you were the big winner this year. It’s sad because it wasn’t a matter of if she would die young we all knew it was only a matter of when.
Kim Kardshian gets married then divorced and it’s all televised – If those two kids can’t make it what hope do the rest of us have? She couldn’t even stay married for 72 days. I can’t imagine how much of an annoying c*nt she must be. I mean even the bitchiest most annoying woman can make it a year if she looks hot. Plus factor in her husband’s a big dumb jock I had them pegged for two years at least.
Osama Bin-Laden Killed – Ten years and billions of dollars and we finally got him. Good thing too. The world is so much different without him. It is good that we got him though and bravo to SEAL team 6. Angelina Jolie should give them all BJ’s. Seriously are female celebs need to step up and service these service men. Most of them are kinda slutty anyway they might as well do it for a good cause. Forget Bradley Cooper SEAL team 6 deserves some love.
Earthquake in Japan – As terrible as this earthquake was it’s still only the second worst thing ever to happen to Japan thanks to Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Maybe that’s why they were so stoic. Nobody freaked out. There was no looting or anything. Wanna know why? Believe it or not they’ve seen even worse. God bless our Japanese friends.
Moammar Qadaffi Killed – It certainly wasn’t a good year for evil dictators. I always thought he looked a little like Super Fly Jimmy Snuka. It was a ton of fun seeing that guy being dragged through the streets beaten and bloodied. I’ll say this about the Libyan people they definitely know how to overthrow a government. Nice job.
Herman Cain – Herman we hardly knew thee. I think Herman Cain was even surprised that Herman Cain was leading in the poles. Too bad he needed a walk in closet to fit all his skeletons though. You probably shouldn’t run for president if you have that many secrets man. Now go make me a pizza. 999 went bye bye bye in 2011. A part of me did want to see two black candidates run for president. Who would the mid-west vote for?
Arab Spring – For a while I just thought Arab Spring was just a saying for when it’s unseasonably warm in the spring time. Kind of like Indian Summer. I’ll say this they certainly know how to protest over there. They’ve got people shooting at them and beating the daylights out of them and they still protest. They’d welcome pepper spray at their protests. Anything’s better than bullets. They look down their noses at are protesters here and laugh. I’m sure benevolent pro-American governments will be installed in all these places. Oh crap we’re screwed.
Casey Anthony – In what was most certainly the trial of the year Casey Anthony proved that even if your slightly above average looks wise you can get away with murder. I’ve held this theory for a long time and Casey Anthony proved it. Good looking chicks get to do whatever they want. No wonder they never talked to me in high school. In their defense though the ugly ones didn’t talk to me either.
Occupy Wall Street – To my knowledge they are still there freezing their asses off. The protests here were just like the Arab Spring except for the fact that they had no direction and didn’t accomplish anything at all. So I guess that means they weren’t like the Arab protesters at all. NOTE TO THE PROTESTERS: Protesting because you have too much college loan debt and you don’t feel like paying it comes off as kind of whiny.
Lindsey Lohan Out Of Control, Out Of Jail and In Playboy – It’s just a shame it took this long for Lindsey Lohan to get into Playboy. She’s looking a bit run down as of late. Also a note to the editors of Playboy. I think everyone’s over the whole Marylin Monroe kind of thing so can you stop posing people in Marylin Monroe poses it’s kind of played out. I get it Marylin Monroe was the first real openly slutty celebrity but I think we’ve done enough tributes to her. Plus by today’s standards Marylin Monroe isn’t that hot. Just sayin’.
Earthquake East Coast Edition – Truth be told the earthquake that hit the east coast did very little damage and was hardly felt. That said it happened on the east coast where it never happens so clearly it’s worse than the Japanese one. I just can’t believe there wasn’t a TV telethon to raise relief funds.
Penn State Scandal – I just love how Penn State people argued that Joe Pa should be allowed to coach “But you don’t understand he’s a really good football coach perhaps the best ever!”. Oh ok so because he’s really good at coaching football we’ll just look the other way while he aids an alleged child molester. He is really good at coaching football so we’ll let it slide.
I think that pretty much does it. Let me know if I left anything out in the comments. In all seriousness have a happy and healthy new year.