Ladies and gentleman the ides of March are nearly upon us. No this doesn’t mean we’re going to literally get stabbed in the back numerous times by our peers. What it does mean is that the worst holiday of the year is upon us. I’m talking of course about St. Patrick’s Day. No I’m not Irish and it really doesn’t matter. Here are a list of just a few of the reasons why St. Patrick’s Day should be banned.
People Are Stupid - St. Patrick’s Day is a holiday where not only idiots act like idiots but educated and otherwise seemingly normal people seem to act even more moronic than their idiotic counterparts. That guy that’s pissing in the street? He probably went to an Ivy league school and works for a hedge fund. That other guy vomiting on someone? He got his his GED last year and works at a body shop. On this day they are all equals.
Parades - There is nothing dumber on this planet than a parade. Large crowds of people gather in the street to drink from open containers because it’s the one day they can. There are reasons why there are laws prohibiting open containers on the street and I’m pretty sure they begin and end with the way people act on St. Patrick’s Day. Hurry up let’s all squeeze in and sweat on top of each other like pigs going to the trough. I see the ancient order of the hibernians #267 coming! Yay! Parades are loud and dumb and on St. Patrick’s Day they smell like urine. That warm feeling you get on St. Patrick’s Day isn’t because of the Irish culture. It’s the dude next to you wetting his pants while leaning on you trying to see the parade.
Overcrowded Bars – Cuz I really want to be as close as possible to these people. It’s just so easy to relax and have a conversation on St. Patrick’s Day. Awesome.
Bagpipes – Bagpipes are cool……for about 2 minutes then they’re the most annoying instrument ever invented. I really believe that there are only3 or 4 possible songs that can be played on the bagpipes. You’ll hear them all over and over again at the parades this year.
Kids In Bars - Every St. Patrick’s Day the bars are packed with people who bring their children. It’s a bar. I might want to say f*ck. Because I’m a decent human being I feel uncomfortable swearing in front of your 5 year old. I realize you might not care but it bothers me. And if you do care and you shoot me a dirty look when I curse in a bar. I reserve the right to punch you in the face.
Old People In Bars - Listen old man I get it. Your 70 and you just got through marching in the parade and you’re all dressed up in your ancient order of the hibernians uniform. It’s still not cool for you to make off color jokes to the young 25 year old girls in the bar about what you wear under your quilt so stop OK?
Non Irish People – Of course in every one’s group of friends there is the guy who’s not Irish at all but acts all into it. No everyone is not Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. In fact you’re Korean which is really not even close. I understand if you want to hang with your friends for a while on St. Patrick’s Day but don’t pretend to actually know anything about the Irish culture.
Irish People – This is their day. The Irish don’t need any excuses to get drunk. On this day they have the biggest excuse to drink. This is a dangerous combo. They’re singing along to their crappy Irish music and having a grand ol’ time. Be careful.
Irish Folk Music - I’d almost rather listen to country music over Irish folk music….almost. In every over crowded bar there will be a band playing this horrific music. Every song sounds exactly the same. I’m not sure what the opposite of soulful is but Irish folk music is that. Oh great it’s a song about a man hew went up a hill to fetch a bottle of whiskey.
Irish Dancers – Inevitably after the parade is done some jack ass will bring his four Irish daughters to the bar and Irish step dance for a good fifteen minutes. Because that’s not obnoxious at all. Don’t try to talk during it either someone will tell you to shut up. How dare I try and talk while at a bar. No instead we have to listen to the pounding of the shoes against the would floor. “Look we’re not moving our arms isn’t that awesome”. No it’s weird and annoying.
I have more but I’ll stop here. In essence if you can stay home on St. Patrick’s Day do so. Trust Coach.
Yea cuz I wanna hang with these people.