Although I guess he never really stopped prowling now he doesn’t have to worry about anything. Tiger and Elin are officially done. I have a few bits of advice for both parties involved. They are as follows.
Elin - First off change your name to Ellen because you’re in America now and saying Elin is kind of annoying. Next have yourself a good time. I’m sure there is no shortage of guys who would get together with a rich Swedish model. Go crazy. After that I’d find Tiger’s best friend and do him too. That will drive him absolutely crazy. After a good 6-8 months of “having a good time” find a nice normal guy and stay with him. He needs to be a nice guy who’s not famous. A guy maybe named Coach? I’m just sayin’ I’m single Elin.
Tiger - First off I’d get your golf game in check because you’ve been sucking lately. So take a few months and just focus on that. After about two months I’d say let the fun begin. Your wife and your kids are gone and the cat’s out of the bag and everyone knows you’re a poon hound. Live up to the rep. You may be saying “well what girl will want him now?”. The answer? Tons of girls and really slutty ones too and, judging by the ones you’ve already been with, slutty is just your style. Tiger you are in a perfect position. The only girls that will be with you are complete whores and you love whores. This is your time. The next time you win the masters bring the current porn star you’re nailing up to the podium and announce “to celebrate my victory I’ll be having a threesome with two lucky ladies while I wear this green jacket”. Lastly I’d go back to anyone who talked bad about you while you were away and have sex with their wives. Lock up your daughters and lock up your wives. Tiger’s back on the tour and he’s coming to a town near you.
Hey Coach let’s do lunch sometime.
Remember to check out my personal blog for more fun stuff like this. I can talk about other things besides music ya know.